The other day I went looking for SAIF corporation paper work that declared me permanently partially disabled. I spent the afternoon sorting through the boxes of papers. One box holds all my diary entries from childhood and my therapy note books.
You know what I found out?
I have been a profoundly depressed person my whole life.
You can pick any of my diary pages and change the date and it will sound like I wrote it last night.
What really REALLY scares the crap out of me is in the middle 80's I sorted through my diary and collected all the vicious angry entries and burned them, but you would never know that from reading what is there.
I had some bad mental side effects form the Lyric and flexeril that was prescribed for the nerve pain.
What? the gods of pain want me to suffer? Okay fine, have it your way.
So that all has left me realizing....all I do is bitch anymore. I try to hide the pain I am in mental/physically as much as I can because, I don't like to be around me when I am like that and I'm sure no one else want to be either. The testy-cranky part of me will write/scream/vent then saddle up and ride on.
I am trying not to post any nutty posts this month. Force my selves to be positive.
The air conditioner gods apparently think I should be further tested in this pain trial, and have made the A/C not work.
So I am sitting here in the 100+ degree house, sweating, hurting... and trying to be cheerful.
What I really want to do is scare the crap out of all of my readers with a "Lets take the leash off the writer in P and let her write to the pain."
Cause....if I'm miserable, why shouldn't everyone else be?
So I have been wresting with my self to NOT do that and concentrate on being a normal sane human being.
I have a sticky note on the blog folder to help me remember. It reads:
Mizu no Kokoro
(a mind like still water)
Everyone pray there are no tsunami's lurking in the water. heh.