Running on no sleep last night at work my mind started writing.
What it choose to write was a will.
I haven't written a will in over 10 years.
Prior to marriage I averaged 2-3 wills a year.
Prior to therapy I averaged 3-4 a month.
Had I saved them all I could print a book of wills.
I found it unsettling that is what my tired mind choose to write/think about.
When I am suicidal and wanting to off myself...I don't usually think about leaving a will. I just want the bleep outta dodge.
What makes me want to leave a will today is...physically feeling like I'm going to die. This strange aura of ....unexplainable weirdness inside that only crops up occasionally. Like I have been recalled by the cosmos and my visa has expired and I have to go back.
Dissociative disorder side effect? Another level of the PTSD/anxiety combo?
Yet part of me is comfortable with this feeling/state.
and I wonder if its not unlike what hibernating animals must experience as they shift from here...to there.
hummm lots of mental gum to chew on today.