Friday, October 24, 2014


Running on no sleep last night at work my mind started writing.

What it choose to write was a will.

I haven't written a will in over 10 years.

Prior to marriage I averaged 2-3 wills a year.

Prior to therapy I averaged 3-4 a month.

Had I saved them all I could print a book of wills.

I found it unsettling that is what my tired mind choose to write/think about.

When I am suicidal and wanting to off myself...I don't usually think about leaving a will. I just want the bleep outta dodge.

What makes me want to leave a will today is...physically feeling like I'm going to die. This strange aura of ....unexplainable weirdness inside that only crops up occasionally. Like I have been recalled by the cosmos and my visa has expired and I have to go back.

Dissociative disorder side effect? Another level of the PTSD/anxiety combo?

Yet part of me is comfortable with this feeling/state.

and I wonder if its not unlike what hibernating animals must experience as they shift from there.

hummm lots of mental gum to chew on today.

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