Thursday, January 15, 2015

I'm not afarid of you, I will answer you.

The last post was authored by the "I've-given-up-depression-that-eats-at-me-during-the-cold-winters."

Do you ever consider all this?

Hell yes, then I give it the heave-ho.

I will not dwell there. I WILL NOT get comfortable in that headspace.

That path leads to suicide attempts, to self injury bouts, to endless tears...to more pain. It leads the wrong way.

I recall in therapy finally getting up the nerve to bring up this HUGE list of  things that was evidence to the fact I was crazy. Like rubber room crazy and not worth saving.

Richard let me read the whole list, then after I was done he said nothing, just watched me.

"I'm insane, aren't I?" I finally whispered unable to stand the silence. "Like really crazy."

"Are you worried about that?" he responded clicking his pen as he leaned back in his chair.

ugggh, I hate when he answers me with more questions. I burst into tears. "Yes I worry about that!"

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "You P are not insane. You are not crazy. The fact that you ask those questions points to your sanity. If you were insane you wouldn't be questioning all this. "

I wipe my snotty nose on my sleeve. "If I am sane, then why am I so miserable here in my head? Should I just stop fighting my headspace and learn to make peace with living with depression?"

His head wobbles 'no' instantly.

"Help me make sense of all this madness." I whimper defeatedly, as I let my therapy note book side off my lap to the floor. The loose pages spill out.

"I can't do that." he says.

The blow crushes my chest...I knew it I am beyond hope... I gasp for breath. I can't live like this...

"What I can do for you is to help you learn ways to be healthier. Skills you can use to change things with."

Thought the tears I say, "That sounds like a lot of work for you."

"The therapy ratio is 95% to 5%, I do 5% of the work and you do 95% of it."

I meet his brown eyes and we stare at each other. I wonder if this man has what it will take for me to let go of my death grip  on the floor and reach up and take his hand and let him help me try for a better life.

What choice did I have at that time? The path I was on was quickly winding down to a planned attempt on my life. I feel my inner components all lean inwards in a collective sigh.

"Will you go for 50/50?" I at last say gesturing with my eyes to the massive list I had just read to him.

His eyes crinkle up into a smile.

...So is it possible to make changes in the grand scale of things? We are talking life changes not new years resolutions changes.

Yes. Absolutely.

Some things I gleaned from my guide.

1. You have to have a desire to want to change.

2. Open to change.

3. Slowly. pick one small thing. You will not morph into some super being over night.

4. Expect detours, delays, and obstacle's.

5. Learning to realize when you are butting your head against the obstacle's is a handy skill.

6. Set realistic goals, write them out. You are learning a new skill, use the three ways people learn best...hearing, doing, by seeing.

7. Self checks. Check with yourself or others, "how is my progress? can you see the difference?"

8. Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. (it took YEARS to get the self injury under control)

9. Encourage yourself. Rewards are awesome. No one likes to do endless hard work without a reward at the end.

10. Share your progress with someone. (This was a challenge for me. You know what I finally came up with? a secrete code. I would catch the eye of a random stranger and give them a smile. Which in turn had the unexpected side effect of helping me reconnect with humans.)

It is once again time in my life to take stock of where I am vs where I want to be. I like to do that at the bottom of my depression cycles....partly because once there, the only place to go is up.

I want to be a better parent.

*cry*

I am lacking in that area. It is an area I struggle with.

I find it hard to parent, when I, my self am still in need of parenting. Yup, I got my work cut out for me.

#3 P, start there...

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