Wednesday, May 20, 2015

ah, no, stop that. **GRAFFIC SIV IMAGE TRIGGER**

I looked over what I was going to post and deleted all of them. The same issue that ground my "Healing journey" manuscript to a dead halt, STILL exists.

While I could give a hoot about my story being public, not everyone involved in my life thinks the same way.  I can't tell my story without telling part of theirs also.

The lady who wanted to financially back my book, suggested I publish it under and alias.

Not a chance in hell.

I didn't craw out from the darkness to hide.

I am standing in the light with my lantern in one hand and a fist in the other. I am here to fight for the respect and dignity of us all.

.....I also did some deep thinking about my sudden motivation to "go there" in my blog. I have consciously NOT gone there all this time for a reason.

Not liking my motivation.

basically it boils down to this:

I want to burn to my arm.

I am exactly a year and a half burn free.

It has almost finished fading. (left side bottom = new, right side and upper left side = ancient old ones)


Any time I have burned that large, I go through this. There is a viscous upswing in the urges to SIV again when the scar fades.

I wanted to post that stuff to push my self over that edge that would give me the perfect excuse to torch my arm. (and boy-howdy would it have sent me spinning...that crap hasn't been properly dealt with much work to do on it.) Sigh.

bad girl.

Just say no to triggering yourself on purpose.

I have a request to explain this picture further.

and since I have opened that door...

I will be glad to share that story with you all. THAT is well processed NO LONGER TRIGGERING stuff.

It all started with Richard my therapist asking me what emotion I felt the most.

I thought for a few moments then said: "I feel nothing."

"Don't you ever feel happy?"

"Not really sure what that feels like anymore. Everything feels hollow and empty."

The depression had at that time consumed me.

Richard gave me a list of emotions with there descriptions, and gave me the homework of recording all of the ones I experienced until our next session.

The following week I turned it in.

His brown eyes frowned as he read my list. (it was hate and nothingness.) He sighed deeply and looked up at me. "We need to find your emotions and reconnect you with them."

And that is exactly what we did.

(to be continued.)

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