I'm just gunna go ahead and toss up a *trigger warning*, cause I have told this story so many times now I can't tell if its triggering or not any more.
****EDIT - um, let me change that to an official * * * TRIGGER WARNING * * * GRAFFIC DRAWINGS OF SIV * * * That is saying something about how far I have come and changed...that I don't remember how triggering that time in my live was! wow!
My therapy appointment day was Wednesday's. It took a bit, but I learned to look forward to working with Richard. Most of my journal entries are too graphic/cryptically coded to share. I was not 100% comfortable sharing them with Richard so I took to condensing them into poems to give him. It was his job to decipher them and figure out what I was saying/needing to talk about.
That man earned his pay!
June 1988 - Wednesday's Child
You and I partners in this dance
Which of us yields the healing lance?
You on the outside eyeing the walls,
I on the inside pacing the halls.
Do I have enough trust,
to allow you to chip off the rust?
What do you see
when you look at me?
Do you see my scars?
They are my prison bars,
proof of all the sadness.
Can you see the twisted madness
that dwells in my eyes?
Can you hear my unspoken cries?
...all I ask of you
is to help me make it past twenty-two.
This story is long, I wonder if I should give you the condensed version or stretch this out and give it all to you?
Since I was at war with my body and couldn't nurture it as I needed to, Richard suggested I make a doll of my self. So I did. Little P was my size as a three year old. We did a lot of work with her. At that time my dissociative disorder was not an open issue and he had no idea just how important that doll ended up being in connecting the puzzle pieces.
October 29, 1988 - Silence
There are still days
I dwell in silence
I stubbornly refuse to listen to my soul.
Where did I learn that?
When did I loose control of my emotions?
Where did I hide them?
Will I ever find them?
When did I start hating my selves?
Remember back...why were you afraid to grow up?
Remember the pain and the shame
now look at you.
look at you.
you are alive, you survived.
Your in control now.
You man your own life.
No one has control of you
You did what you had to do to survive
slowly and cautiously
reverse al the things you did so long ago.
Find your hidden emotions.
Hang them out to freshen.
try them on.
use them, enjoy them
they are yours
they needn't be hidden ever again.
While I walked around numbed to the gill 99% of the time, there was one emotion I had no trouble identifying and using:
and the most targeted one with it was....
That is a self portrait that is almost 26 years old to the date. Done - May 24, 1989.
That seems so long ago. :( I am grateful I don't live in that head space any longer.
It was a dark, dark, scary as hell place.
Yeeeeaaah, Richard should get a medal for being able to reach and save me. I was not the most friendliest thing to work with. (interesting side note, I just noticed I am wearing "Alex's" Kill Me shirt.)
Now lets start disarming that manmade explosive before she hurts herself...further.