Thursday, February 4, 2016

When the wind blows

It has taken some effort, but I have managed to take out all the confidential info and make this blog friendly.  It won't read well as a story, but I want to leave my words here in hopes that others will find them selves in them. And to remind my self of a time that is passed, that was very special and dear to me.

To those who will find themselves walking these paths...may you find a guardian, a lantern, fellow travelers and the way out. Peace be the journey - Paja

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When the wind blows
does heaven know
where all the boundaries go?

Where does the wind go
as it blows?

I know that answer.

But more importantly...I know where the wind is born, and causes it to stir and move

It all starts with the beat of your heart, that is where the wind is born.

the momentum of your soul is what causes it to move.

The burning pain in my feet makes where they are attached to the stone base warm as the pressure makes them bleed. I feel my self start to slide as the blood seeps through the cracks. The wind blows and I slip free. and the pain finally snaps them off at the base. I topple to the forest floor.

I have grown tired of my stationary life and slowly lumber to the cross roads in the forest. I set my lantern down and snap out a blanket and sit down to wait. I know this cross roads is a requirement along the healing path.

I shout to the trees. "Morning beautiful peoples! Wanted to welcome you all here, glad you found us, so sorry you have need to be here. I struggle some days, triumph others. I rise each day to pick up my bat and wait to see what life is gunna pitch at me."

The trees stir from their slumber. "mornin' dear one.

 When I am feeling grounded and able I like to come here and wade into the murky darkness and search for survivors who are on the healing path. I take my lantern and sit with you, offer comfort, understanding and company.

I use my past for good. Each time I reach out and to others who are back on the path early in their healing journey, it frees me. I help not only you, but the me of the past who didn't have the blessing of an Internet or others to ease the shame and loneliness.

I set my lantern on the healing path and turn it up so it illuminates the darkness. I spread out a blanket and sit down. I'm here, this forest is here, there are others here to help you carry that pack that bends your soul and snuffs out your own lantern. Your all welcome to stop by and sit for a spell. Your safe here and in good company.


I hear you all coming, many feet walking together in a marching rhythm. Soldiers, drudging on a forced march blindly through the darkness of the healing path.

I know the sand blinds your eyes so you can't see my lantern light.

I leave it on the blanket and chase after you. My words reach you and halt your flight.

Carefully I dust your hands off. Pour warm gentle water to clear the grit from them, and place my hand in yours.

Even though you can't see us, There are many lampposts here in the forest for you. We lovingly will clear any roots that snarl your feet and trip you. We will use our words to offer comfort and guidance.

You have opened many eyes to see in your life. Then the sand blows in and another pair must open. Soon the wind will again pick up, stronger and fiercer then before.

and you will find the strength to open your eyes again.

and it wont be sand blowing in them this will be just be the fresh free air.

I brush your hair humming quietly as I admire its blackness.

A slumber party to ease the transition from the long day that has lasted years. Understanding the weight that pulls your face into a droop.

Understanding the need to trek each year and bath in these pools of tears left dotting the calendar.

I thought of you last night as the fire works went off at the country fair. Thought of all of us. How there is a dark heavy cacophony of sound then silence then the night sky opens into brilliance and light.

We curl up into cat pies and sleep in the warm lantern light. So glad you will wake to a lighter path to walk tomorrow.


I awake to a frightened sound barreling through the darkness. I spring from cat form back to people form just in time to catch you as you come thrashing torn and bleeding from the underbrush.

"I got you " I whisper calmly. " I got you, come rest a second here. Its natural to want to run through the healing path to the other side. To want to get a machete and hack a straight path to the healing side."

The journey IS the healing. Its not something that can be rushed or shortened down. You must go back, you must go inside and open door and find lost emotions and face fears and all the monsters of the past.

Some of us start the journey by cannon balling into the darkness and trying to fight our way free.

You don't have to do that. There are many survivors out there with lanterns to light the way.

You know you have a safe harbor here. That even when you feel like you are falling 1,000 mph that the board here has the other end of your rope. There are many hands to make a chain to fetch you no matter how dark it gets.

You know that I will come for you and untangle your feet, offer the comfort of my lantern's light, or give you a shove if you need it. And most of all we are all here to just bear witness to the incredible strong woman you are going to discover on this journey.


I look to see you coming down the path. Your lantern swinging to and fro as you look for others to greet.

I wave you over and pat the blanket. We sit for a moment back to back. You watching that way and I watching this way. Vigilant so no traveler goes by without a greeting.

Not forgetting that even though we have lanterns and are here as lampposts to give travel directions. That we know what it feels like to wander in here scared and confused and sightless.

I tuck a fresh box of tissues in your pack. Knowing that its hard to come here some days and respond with compassion and care. To hear the sad truths day after day till a shell builds up and it hardens your heart to protect it. To not be able to have the luxury of saying, I am not listening to any sad stories today.

I admire that you never loose sight of the hope. Even when I have known you were hurting. That I wish I could be like you when I grow up.

I stand up and tie a cape around your shoulders made of cool redwood shadows. place Olives on your fingers and give you and arm up. We clink our lanterns like goblets and totter off to eliminate the darkness.


As you step onto the blanket you feel a cold mist of water wet your ankles. You glance over to see me with a water bottle filled with water from the pacific ocean.

"If you can't come to my Eden I will bring it to you." I smile. and spurts you again.

Come my sister sit for a bit.

Let me glean some sanity and strength from your strong vines.

I move the lantern closer to your feet to warm them. I love how you move effortlessly and seamlessly through the forest reaching out and greeting fellow travelers.

Love your patience and unending hugs.

Love that even though there are dark places in the healing path that scare you and you don't want to look into them you still come in here and help others.

You are like a mama deathly afraid of spiders who when a spider nears her child you squash it with your bare hand.

*smiles gently* resting my head on your shoulder. I'm so thank full you are on this trek with me. That when I am limping and listing to the left you are there to shove me back to the right.

You don't have to be a warrior or a healed, well, sane person to be strong. You just have to be there.

*link my arm with yours*

Strength in numbers, and woman between us both we have a hell of an army.


I feel you reading our words. Feeling like you don't know us and afraid to post and say anything. That somehow this post isn't meant for you.

Well it is meant for you.


Holding up my lantern.

I remember when I hid in the dark underbrush of the healing path. When I felt like a wild animal, a missing link...a freak.

When no one saw me or my pain.

Well I see you...and your pain. the painfully familiar shoes that you wear. Clicking them together over and over hoping to magically awake.

The wish to shed your skin and be free of it. The wanting ...the needing to step out the door and just leave it all behind. To leave the pain in heavy satchels on the side of some deserted road.

That it would be easier to just create a whole new you then to salvage the old broken one.

To be at the base of a mountain of memories and not have the strength to even begin to climb up. When all you can muster is to lean your shoulder against the side and pray you don't get buried in the landslide.

The hood of my lantern doubles as a bailing bucket. There are many souls here who will come bail for you, who will come hold your hand, who will come wipe the tears and offer a shoulder to rest on.

We are all in this together. Some of us just have been further down the path then were you are now. We know the way is smoother ahead.

and we have not forgotten how rough it is were you are.

This forest is here for you to lean on and get support.

*extends my hand*

You may not now where you are headed in your journey, but here with you now at this time and location. Your company is a welcome addition.


Oh my friend. I just love you. You are a reminder to me that abuse changes us in many ways. That for some it may never end. That it can take on a life of it own.

That the dark ties that link us are damaging and need vigil to stop them from consuming us at times.

That some travelers need a different light. some travelers are following the the dim murky of an abuser.

*I slide my lantern handle into your hand*

I know its hard to offer yourself the same support. I am very glad your walking this path with us.


we are indeed blessed to be here at this time and place. For the first time in history the silence and isolation that kept sexual abuse a secret prisoner is no more.

Now men and women can seek out support on the internet and speak up.

*I clean the glass on your lantern*

wash your face and kiss your forehead. Even when you are silent I know you are there.

I hope you reward yourself for all your hard word. The healing journey should not be just hard work. You should stop occasionally and just breath. Eat ice cream. Etc.

Sit with this woman you are discovering. She is worth getting to know.


I gather up my blanket and stiffly rise. I walk slowly back to my stone base and climb up. My feet locking into place with a stone one stone grinding sound. I raise my arm up and hold my lantern out. Close my eyes and become a silent part of the forest once again.

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