Friday, July 1, 2016

TRIGGER- depressed as shit right now

a friend reached out to me earlier today and because of the love and trust I have in her I opened up.

And I wrote this:

"feeling absolutely horrifically suicidal today. sigh. I hate my brain."

"my brain has a hard time dealing with the pain. pain = danger, and to be in this much pain 24/7 just wears you down. bleah.....and after my FNP shit on me I am AFRAID to call her and be seen. I need to find a new doctor, but damn it, that is a nauseating prospect in itself. so I sit here in pain wanting to die."

"...I needed to go sit with the trees, and them to find the splinted remains of my most loved tree well just fuck you life,"

(I went to the Redwoods this week to seek the comfort of my eden. See that large sunny spot? Its not suppose to be there. Grandmother has fallen and her splintered red wood is a raw jagged wound in the cool shadows of the forest. Her canopy shadow completely blocked out all that sun.)

"feel like I have been time traveling and have severe jet lag."

to which she replied: "Maybe you have!"

I've been dancing over landminds for over a month now. Some flashbacks along the way to pour some salt in my wounds.

Burned four VCR tapes worth of old family movies to DVD and have watched them 3 times now. Well guess what? That is why I am tap dancing in the mindfield.

I have learned over the years to be suspicious of any adult recovered memories of my childhood.  If they can't be attached to a FIRM memory or existing piece of evidence I note them but do not consider them. If no one can attest to them then they are discarded completely.

Well my sister and I watched the movies a few days ago and she enlarged a memory she had shared with me before. The additional staggering.

It validated some loose ends and then tied them all into a neat bow.

yes I have been time traveling. going back in time and watching that devastatingly gorgeous innocent face, beaming with trust and no pain. I want to scream at her. RUN!!! Seeing things moving is different then the still photos. It's a 100 x's more triggering.

Watching the movies made my sister ponder a deep question that she voiced aloud.

Instant disassociation within me. oh my gawd...I know that answer.

and that knowledge makes me want to go on a self injury spree that would certainly leave me dead in my current struggling state.

I think some of my off season depression right now is due to stopping the buspar. Plus being sick and the life stressors that I am being pummeled with. I need to find a way to get my feet back on the ground and my life back in balance.

When I do, I have a answer I need to share with my sister, ...and a life to get back to living.

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