doin' nuttin (8-18-1997)

[This has a wicked shift tense in the  middle of it that I could never smooth out., which is why it’s been hiding all these years. This has been fun going old school. I can see why I abandoned most of these pieces. They stink. LOL.  But on the flip side, most are tiny gems I worked feverously to cut and polish. I can see where I was going with this, just couldn’t get it wield to my wishes.]

 {and I totally today would change 'nuttin'' to the more relaxed 'nuffin'}

Doin’ nuttin

Right in the middle of Dark Shadows mama steps in front of the TV and snaps it off. “Go outside and play.” She orders

Broone, Maria, Brotwo and Brothree and I simultaneously look behind us as if she was addressing some other children. We then look to Maria for her pre-teen guidance. She adjusts her brown cats eye glasses and raises one eyebrow and shrugs her shoulders.

“Go on, you’re not going to spend the whole summer watching TV.” She growls as she scoops up baby Brofour and holsters on her hip.

We reassemble on the front pouch and drape ourselves like limp dish towels over the railing.

“No TV” Broone mumbles, “There goes my WHOLE summer!”

The door squeaks behind us and Mama leans out, “Go a little FURTHER outside!”

“There’s nuttin’ to do.” Brothree sighs as he slithers off the porch into the pool of shade cast by the house.

After a few rounds of groans and whines, we reluctantly set off into the yard to do nuttin. Nuttin of course, when being done by five kids all under the age of twelve, generally consists of accumulating huge volumes of useless, nonsensical knowledge only fit for nincompoops and nearsighted neurosurgeons.

Things like: garden hoses make lousy lassos and rose petals no matter how long you chew them are never any good for blowing bubbles.

This day we were to learn a passel of sibling info that would come in handy for future reference like: No matter what your big brother says, it isn’t possible to jump from the garage roof UP to the house roof. Nor is it possible for him and your younger brother to catch you with a blanket as you plummet to earth.

Interesting things like…if you have your brother put his mouth over the end of the garden hose, you have nine seconds to wait before the water will travel the length of a fifty foot hose and blast him. Also handy info like…a wet brother can run fifty feet in less than four seconds.

Important things like, when trying a new diabolical experiment ALWAYS  use the youngest sibling, preferably the one who can’t yet form the sentence “I’m telling mama!”

We discovered important elements of the principals of quantum physics like: on a hot day, if you pee on the slide you’ll only get halfway down before you will come to a squeaky halt and be stuck.

And: how long you’ll “hang” in the air when you jump off the roof with a pillowcase for a parachute. Which interestingly enough is longer then if you use an umbrella.

And of course the reason why only tightrope walking became popular and the lesser known art of looserope walking never caught on.

And like: a pile of dry dirt with a running lawnmower placed on it will create a spectacular tornado!

Which of course gave us some insight into a rare medical condition known as ShinWeltie-ouchie, because flying rocks from a lawn mower twister will leave massive welts on your shins.

We were on the cutting edge of ground breaking medical /psychological research too. Discovering things like, a sow bug rolled up in their “pill” form will not unroll and crawl back up your throat if you  swallow them. Despite what your mother tells you.

Nothing will bring your mother to the winder quicker than hollering, “BUT I CAN’T FIND ALL HIS FINGERS!”

Oh the list goes on and on.

Like how many choruses of 99 bottles of beer you can sing in pig Latin before your mother’s face develops a permeant twitch.

Also good to know is that mayonnaise, black berries and chewed up walnuts makes very convincing fake puke, and four fingers is all you can fit in your nose at one.

Thought provoking things like: cats don’t like to dressed up, but dogs don’t mind as long as you put the pants on backwards so their tails hang out the fly.

We were in the process of converting the wheel barrow into an electric chair with parts from Brotwo’s bike, an old alarm clock and the lawnmower when Daddy pulled in from a long day at work.

“what are you all doing?” he ask as he heads for the house.

“Nuttin.” We mutter in unison.

“Well It’s dinner time, come inside.”

Ten minutes later mama leans out the door and calls out into the  dimming evening, “Come a little further inside!”

Thend