That I am no longer a contributing member of the movement that give the population its steady hum.
Acutely aware that I have slipped out of sync with the world. No longer breeding stock. Age and illness encroaching on my ability to be a constructive member of society.
A cracked bottle discarded on the side of road. A vessel no longer worthy of maintaining …or keeping.
When I got lost in Disney Land as a seven year old, this is exactly how I felt. Small, stationary as this sea of faces buzzed around me, life moving at a rapid pace, going on without me.
Sometime around October of last year I became aware that ….my life and time here is winding down. A sudden need to tie up loose ends, say goodbye, empty my bucket list.
Been under toxic levels of stress since April. Working slowly to remove absolutely EVERYTHING from my plate in an attempt to ease my discomfort.
Discomfort
That isn’t the right word. There doesn't exist a word to describe what I'm feeling.
Muscle biopsy in September showed all sorts of things. Been struggling to function and work and work I must. The fear of not being able to work, when I am the main provider for the family while husband goes to school. Is a stressor I
can’t take off my plate. Literally the stability of my family hangs on my rickety failing body.
This is a gut wrenching reality that kicks my heart on a daily basis.
I used to tell the farm kids “We are a chain…and as such we are only as strong as our weakest link.” I am not the weakest link…I AM NOT EVEN A LINK…I am rusty paperclip jerry-rigged to hold the chain together in place of the link.
Had a second opinion on my medical status, and the doctor had no idea either. I told him, “Good thing I have an usual name, cause there going to have to name this after me. Pajasytis.”
Both Rheumatologist agree I have rheumatoid arthritis and polymyositis, the PM is just not showing up in the muscle biopsy at this point, and the other stuff that is showing up is making them scratch their heads. Leave it to me to possibly have two rare diseases on top of the rheumatoid arthritis.
I made the decision to add plaquenel to my med regime in December. It can cause blindness. Which is why I’ve avoided it so far…but I was at the end of my ability to work with just prednisone. I had good relief of the pain the first two
weeks and I was thinking, finally…some relief.
But today its like it has failed and I’m hurting. Which scares me
I am once again out of sync.
Winding down...becoming obsolete....off balance...off the track...engine sputters, coughs and stills in a last exhale of grey smoke.
I stand on the dock, my feet anchored.
I fight my muscles to raise my arm and shakily wave bon voyage.
I shall stand here as long as I can.
Watching for as long as I can.
...until you are out of sight, and I join the many silent, forgotten voices of the past.
No comments:
Post a Comment