Living with chronic suicidal thoughts is a lot like riding an endless roller coaster.
Everyone around you is belted in with a five point restraint. There locked down tight and going no where.
While you are unbelted, forced to hang on to a wobbly bar with your bare hands. Your grip is all that stand between you and death.
and you hands are greasy.
It takes incredible strength to keep your cramping hands around that shaky bar, that is always threatening to loose its anchoring bolts.
Day after day, twisting turn after turn, peak...fall...rise...peak...fall....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep your focus and grip on that damn bar when your own mind is screaming at you ….let go...?
what its like to get up each day knowing that it maybe a life and death struggle and you may not make it back to your bed?
To have medication fail you and have no other options, but to rely on your greasy hands to keep you here in this world....this world that is at every turn fighting you and trying to shake you off the roller coaster?
When you have days you just lay on the floor sobbing, praying the coaster will slid into the station and you can finally get off.
When you so exhausted all you wish for is someone to slid into the seat next to you, and hold you tight, so you can let go for just one damn second to adjust your grip and get a better hold, so you don't fall.
I hope none of you know this.
Which is why I'm telling you.
All you hear are the shrieks of the coaster riders who are enjoying a fleeting moment as they
peak...fall...rise...peak...fall.... enjoying the thrill of the moment.
They get to exit the coaster.
THEY GET TO EXIT THE COASTER.
some of us , we are trapped. There is no station. No end to the ride.
Well no end we would ever wish for.
No comments:
Post a Comment