Wednesday, September 10, 2014

fight me *trigger*

She swings at my head.

Too tired to move, I let her fist connect.

I reel back and shake off the scrambled sensation.

Groaning I return to my task. FOCUS. I say deep within my head. "Common little one focus, we have to get this done."

"NO." She balks, and balls up both fists again.

I shake my hands to refocus them. Opening and closing my aching fingers a few times to stretch them. I take a deep breath and exhale.

I close my eyes for a second...just a second to escape.

her fists tattoo my arms with so many punches I almost just keep my eyes closed.

Anger rises with the heat in my face.

I erupt from my chair and stand over her. She nimbly flees me. I am forced to chase her.

"fight me!" she gleefully calls as she weaves about darting from mirror to mirror.

I can't.

I won't.

I stop.

My feet are heavy as I walk to the bathroom and tip the tap up.

Standing there letting the cold water numb my hands and wrists.

"fight me?" she pleads softly.

I drag my eyes up to met hers in the mirror.


Angry she begins to throw temptations at me. "there are bandages under the sink. Razor blades there too."

"NO." I say closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I place both cold wet hands on my neck, and sigh deeply.

"matches?" she pouts.

I lean in and open my eyes and stare into hers. "We are not injuring ourselves."

Time freezes and we stare blinklessly for an eternity.

I stare her down until only my reflection is in the mirror.

"no, you fight me." I growl. "lines were drawn years ago. We are working on stopping the self injury. We fight the urges. We keep trying. Do not allow those thoughts to sway you."


fight me.

I'm not backing down.

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