I am triggered.
if you are not safe stop reading right now.
I'm going to write to the pain and see if I can purge it without harming my self.
I do not want to harm you either.
But if you got yur feet unda' yah, by all means stick around and watch the show. This is another unflinching look into what my mind is like. What lurks behind my blue eyes. What gives my writing its depth. What its like to live with depression and suicidal thoughts.
words fail me at times.
what should be here is cut flesh, spewing fountains of frothy deep
A mouse gnawing at my soul.
a dull knife sawing back and forth at the rope.
the quiet sound of chaos cutting out as the wheels leave the road.
Had I gun, I would place the muzzle to the under side of my chin and angle it so the blast would take out my brain stem....and then pull the trigger.
Had I a knife, I would slice my neck open and lay down and bleed out into a warm frothy pool of my own blood.
Had I the drugs, I would crush them and take them, all of them, and go pull the covers over my head and fall asleep to the sounds of my own sobs.
Had I no children, no husband, I would be on a ledge somewhere with the night wind tousling my hair as I stepped out into the darkness.
I am tired of living. TIRED OF LIVING. SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING ALIVE!
I want to burn all my flesh off my arms, till there is nothing but raw bloody stumps there. I want everyone to see the discomfort and pain I am in.
my pain levels are off the chart today. I have spent the last few weeks in a stress filled overdrive living on a few hours of sleep grabbed when I could. Pushing my aged body beyond its limits.
Had the last two nights off and was not able to sleep soundly. My pain keeping from going into deep sleep.
Dreamless sleep does me no fucking good. I wake, not rested. I awake irritated and my tolerance for ever day life gone. Sleep deprivation psychosis. Hyper-stressed vigilance. Unable to let go and sleep. Really sleep.
It'll mess with ya' mind it will.
Course my mind is already a mess...
I need to sleep. Sleeplessness fuels the suicidal urges. Pain fuels the urges. NO FUCKING END IN SIGHT FUELS THE URGES. KILLING MY SELVES WOULD PUT AN END IN SIGHT.
so I can catch my breath...
I want to kill my self...not necessarily to be dead, but for just a moment to be pain free.
I can't turn off my mind, it whirls endlessly as I try to sleep. I didn't have this issue prior to the RAI and going on they thyroid replacement. I am no stranger to night shift and nutty schedules...WHY CAN'T I ADJUST TO THIS NEW ONE????? Its causing me to fracture out to extremes to cope with the new schedule.
I HAVE TO WORK. I HAVE TO WORK. I HAVE TO WORK. I need to work, I must work. I am working 11:30 pm till 9:30 am five days a week. This is a lot for me, coming off years of a part time job with a 90% flexible schedule.
I feel like I'm trying to row across the Atlantic in a rickety old row boat taking on water. I'm not going to make it. Physically my body is trashed. Not being able to recover after two days off is a bad sign.
I love my new job.
Really, really love it. Its so nice to totally luck out and find a place that fits me 100% right off the bat.
They are so excited to have me too. Its a blessing to be so appreciated so quickly. To every shift having people come up to me and say the nicest things about my work. Words like, Amazing, incredible, wonderful...We are so happy you joined us
(......that did it...just felt the pressure ease off, and here come the tears...)
.....You know in the old days tonight would have ended with me bloody/bruised/burned. I would not have been so easily able to write and tap into the issue as I just did. SIV is about communication. Not being able to express yourself verbally or in writing - leads to the use of other media, like blood.
I worked my ass off to learn what helps me cope. WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? to help my self, re-direct and cope/deal with the internal pain.
I know if I can make me cry, the urges 90% of the time will dissipate. Headphone on, crank Journey's Don't Stop Believin', and write until I cry.
so now is when I either mop up the blood, and put on a bandage, or I make plans. I do not allow myself to just go to bed in this state. I maybe on level ground right now, but I am still at risk.
What do I need to do to follow up?
I re-read what I wrote while stressed, looking for clues that will help me. I am seeing the word PAIN a lot. I need to address my pain levels and the lack of sleep.
Plan for night before bed. Aspirin, ace wraps and ice.
Plan for the morning. Call my Doctor and report that my pain levels are out of control, and request/beg for something to help. Maybe 1/2 pain pill will cut the physical chatter in my old bones enough for me to get some sleep.
Thanks for reading along, joining me in the rollercoaster that is my mind.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
really need some sleep.