Yesterdays blog made a thought crop up that I haven't touched on in years.
If I have all this insight into self inflicted violence...then why do I still self injure?
Why at 48 am I still at risk for self injury.
Why do I currently have non-faded 3rd degree burn scars on me? (it take one year for them to fade from red to white)
If I know so much about SIV...why do I still do it?
Am I "healed?" or just fooling my self.
I have been working on this issue since I was 22.
TWENTY SIX YEARS, I have been working on stopping the SIV.
I have been living with it for 45 years.
Yes that is correct. I have been a self injurer for the last 45 years.
And I will be a self injurer till the day I die.
For me I will never be able to stop 100% and never go back.
Total cessation of the negative coping skill is just not a feasible goal. I no longer even try to reach for that.
My goal is to try to use healthy coping skills. If that fails, then to reach for and use non-scaring forms of SIV. Last resort is scaring forms of SIV.
I can go years without injuring in any format. I know this, have done it. Pleased as punch that for those time frames I was able to handle things.
When there is a sudden return of SIV in its graphic-horrific-bloody-burned format, then the alarm bells go off in my head and I reach out for help. It means something is NOT RIGHT in my life/head and requires immediate action. I work on my issues.
The core reason I will never be 100% SIV free is my depression.
I have been suicidal my whole life. ALL OF IT.
When my head says its time to die and nothing is talking me out of it, there is one thing that will, an can re-direct me, and save my life.
You can bet that I will use that coping skill if it came down to that.
I don't live my life thinking "I am a person who lives with SIV." I simply live my life. I no longer have to put in daily, hourly work into keeping an eye on my urges to self injure.
I have healed enough that its no longer a high priority to keep in my consciousness. The urges have faded over time, and with effort to recognize/and deal with the triggers.
Most time I even forget I am a self injurer.
Starting my new job I was suddenly asked numerous times about my scars. The first question kinda made me step back and go whoa! I had forgotten the scars were there. I am so used to seeing them that I don't see them (if that makes sense)
I am healed in that sense. At peace with who I am and why I SIV. I use my writing to help others learn more about the topic. I like being able to help others not feel so alone.
I will never stop fighting my self over the SIV. If I do then I will slide right back into the easy comfortable negative coping skill. Not all of me wants to stop.
I am nine months burn free. I am three months SIV free.
But I look at the big picture....I am 48 years alive.