Tuesday, July 3, 2012
****warning: massive pity party ahead - read on at your own risk****
I was born on the kitchen table
tumbled down sixteen stairs
and placed second in a beauty pageant
all before I turned five.
I've eaten yellow snow on a dare
snorted grape soda up my nose
melted army men on the stove
learned the secret to catching lightning
got lost in Disney Land
watched three of my brothers die
and froze my tongue to a stop sign pole
all before I turned ten.
I danced naked as snow fell in the redwoods
felt dirt shoveled down upon me
as Ro____ buried me alive
wore the jewels of the Princess of Lippy Germany
held seances in the dark
Disfigured Ri___'s face with a pickaxe
eaten fire and grazed like a cow
and completed a novel
all before I turned fifteen.
I've felt the hand of a demented man cuff me across the face
flunked English 121
discovered Halloween candy I hid when I was seven
stared deep into the emerald green eyes of a panther
her warm breath on mine
and held the hands of countless people as they have died
all before I turned twenty
I've delivered puppies in the backseat
while parked at Shop n' Kart
journeyed into the dreamtime
got lost again in Disney Land
grew hair on my neck
crushed myself in my car
kisses a hog
and hung candycanes in the forest
all before I turned twenty-five
I've danced sacred dances
with eagle feathers in my hair and doe's skin on mine
began dreaming in Japanese
taught my son the secret to catching lightning
felt the bay mare rear and flip....
caught her in my lap
and fell in love with my friend John
all before I turned thirty
I've nursed piglets
watched three friends die of brain tumors
pieced my nipple
castled kingside and opened a door to a whole new world
accepted a proposal in the park
joined the Russell clan
all before I turned thirty-five
I've switched my mind off and hybernated
got lost in cyberspace
sold my childhood on Ebay
gave birth to a son who almost died
got out of debt
and then right back in
all before I turned forty
I've been kissed by a sea lion
fought with my daughter
before she even left my uterous
got lost in Norrath
got lost in my own head again.
set sail on the seas of depression
all before I turned forty-five
Threw away my novel
Started a blog
all before I turned fifty
(c) Jan 9, 1992
Since I wrote this in 1992 I have filled in each set of five as I reach that age. I filled in the two for the current set yesterday. This "block" of five hasn't been very exciting. Its seemed like endless work-worry-parenting-struggling to survive.
"life goes on long after the thrill of living has gone" that quote by John Mellencamp is very relavant in my life. There is not much left for me to experience or do. That feeds my depression and amplifies the suisidal/wanna give up feelings. When you add in the physical disabilities and the dwindling mobility, it leads to a sadness and helplessness.
I need to dream new dreams. New goals to set out for me to chase and obtain.
I would love to be out of debt and be able to afford Everquest subscriptions again. My monk was a kick ass killing machine and I enjoyed playing her. We played as a family. All of us having toons. Life in a virtual world somehow more platitable then reality. There I could run fast, kick, explore....be free. A place where death ment only a wait for a battle rez if the cleric survived.
I would love to take my kids and drive up and down the coast line and do all the touristy things there are too do.
Put memories in there hearts so that when I am gone there will something for them to hold onto.
We are going to my husbands grandfathers memorial on Friday. Oh the chance to see and hold family that lives too far away. To celebrate a good mans life. That will be such a blessing.
yeah I am blabbering today.
Depression is a fragement grenade in ones mind. A sucking muck that hold you back, pulls you down. Boohoo pity party.
The long hours, and strange sleep patterns wearing on me this week.
The anxiety and fear that my arm has worsed and is no longer healable.....you know if I had been allowed to handle my own treatment, I beleive I wouldn't be this f-ed up mess right now. We are nearing 8 weeks in.
My mind wants to classify this as a total loss, to match the trucks final report. To just accept that my arm is now much like the rest of me. That hence forth life will be even more physically painful.
Just accept it. Reset the "normal for P" to include a painful partially functional elbow. Then do what I do with the rest of my injuries. Just shut the hell up and keep on living.
********after thought.....Some of my greatest writing comes from this head space. Being "here" somehow opens my heart and I put to paper some of the most amazing things. Maybe that is what I need to do to channel this submerged headspace back to the surface. Tommorrow I will try it. To defect this mood through the aray and turn it to a strength.