A dangling carrot (triggery)

Last year I had a spell were the depression was bad. My pain was off the hook. I was drowning in toxic stress. I couldn't see the future.

No not like that.  

When my head gets bad I can't see a reason to go on. It makes the suicidal thoughts really bad. I could see no reason to get up, no reason to go on breathing. There was no end to the stress.

I had no dreams.

No forward momentum.

Nothing to live for.

and 

then ….BAM

From the darkness of the abyss a light was shined down to me.

A reason to go on living.

Two years ago I dragged my resistant then eleven year old daughter to DRUM TAO 2018.

She was pouting and questioning why I was making her go.

I told her, "Because your a writer, and writers have to feed their minds with all sorts of magical stuff. This is medicine for your soul. You don't know it but you need this."

At intermission I turned to her.

Her wide eyes met mine. "Mama you were so right I NEEDED THIS!!"

When this tour was announced money was incredibly tight and there was ZERO luxury spending.

So I killed myself working eleven days in a row to afford the tickets.

I gave up sleep and on the heels of a 10.5 hour shift stood in the line for 2 hours to buy ticket the day they became available.

We were blessed to get front row center seats. 

 And I hung them on the calendar.

The days I struggled to go on, 

the days I struggled to living in this rickety old body,

the days the madness was deafening

the days the stress was choking me

the days I wanted to give up living

I would hold on to that dangling carrot....Drum Tao. To once again go and get lost with my daughter in the drums....just a few hours of relief from my broken body and my damaged head. I need this.

With the virus stuff going on right now, they have canceled 4 weeks of performances at the theater.

Drum Tao...is on the other side of that 4 weeks. Threatening to be canceled, but not officially yet.

Literally I've been living for this.

Now the depression is rolling hard in my head. No carrot is at the end of my stick. It has been jerked away. 

Only thing before me is endless physical pain. 

And that is no motivation to go on.

There is a world of people who have had there lives and plans and dangling carrots ripped away from then as a result of this pandemic.

I feel you man. 

I'm sorry for all of us.

Hang in there, it will take time to grow a new carrot.