Grief

Before I go off on what ever tangent my heart is heading to tonight, just a quick update.
I have felt much better mentally on the levoxyl. Unfortunately my work has turned into a stew pot of emotions and chaos and stress. Which is spilling out of its confinements into my home life.

Which is making me want to run away. Permanently.

I've got that boxed in - holy freaking hell - feeling going on. Like I am on a train that is speeding hell bent towards a concrete wall. Feel like I have a bomb in my hands that reads 0 seconds left on the timer.

When life kicks me like this, I wonder why go on?

Its not the depression holding my head under the water and making me want to off myselves...its LIFE its self.

Sixteen years ago when I started at my current job, a resident came in shortly after me. He looked like my dead grandpa, and shared the same name as him too.

He and I became close over the past 16 years. He watched and worried over me as I was pregnant. Touched my belly felt my son and daughter kicking. He came to the office and held my son. It was a kick in the gut to see this grandpa look a like holding my son. All my grand parents died long before I got married.

He died last Friday.

And it makes me want to leave my job and walk away and never go back. It was bearable because he was there, now work hold nothing but heart wrenching chaos.

I want to work in a job where the raw pain of life isn't a daily thing.  I have survived 31 years in long term care.

I don't know if I have it in me to make it much longer.

I don't grieve.

I run.

Or I silence the pain within by burning wounds without.

I need to grieve.

I just don't know how.

How messed up is that?  It stirs up pain. Just raw heart shredding pain. That never heals. Just another thick layer of scar tissue laid down on my soul.

numbing.

I don't know how to fix this problem within me...

...except to keep running.