Email from a reader after reading my "grief" blog. Grateful to ______ for sending me this.
Reaching out and gently putting my arms around you. I hear the loneliness in your words. The utter fear of stepping out into the unknown. The rabid anxiety of treading in quicksand. Life is sucking you under and you are going to "cut" yourself free of its grasp.
Its okay to be here in the moment and be experiencing all those thoughts feelings emotions life. I know it can feel like your skin is gone and your nothing but a bunch of raw nerve endings. It gets overwhelming to be bombarded 24/7 with life.
just stop for a second and breath.
Your running 100 miles a minute trying to out run what ever is chasing you. Your exhausted and fatigued. There is no where to run so you feel backed into a corner and you are reaching for familiar comforting coping skills. You feel threatened so you want to lash out...fight life....since there is nothing before you the war is played out on your skin.
Turn the battle to another plain.
Focus outwards, not inwards.
Go stand in a hot shower. stand as long as you can then switch the water to ice cold. stand as long as you can.
The urge to self inflicted violence can be refocused. The energy you feeling tensing up your muscles, knotting up your soul CAN be released without injuring.
Your body is physically forced to refocus on the tactile assault of the water. It is forced to expend that energy to rewarm/try to keep you warm. Repeat as necessary till your body is free of the tension.
Then go wrap up in a blanket and rest. Self sooth your hurting soul by saying..."Its okay, its okay, I got you." (don't matter if you believe it or not, you have to start reprograming the internal tapes somewhere)
Then when you have calmed. Go throw out the broken pillspliter/blade.
Don't give me any lip about "I cant do that, it takes too much energy etc"...I've heard all the excuses, hell I've said all the excuses. What it boils down to is it takes less energy to take care of yourself and use healthy coping skills then it takes to live daily with SIV.
repeat after me:
Wrap your arms around your shoulders...
repeat after me:
"I got you, its okay"
peace be the journey
WHAT THE!!! LOL Very funny _______!! - (she sent me back one of my own responses I sent to her eons ago.) That was hysterical! As I read it I kept thinking, this is good advice, but I was thinking _____ wrote it so I didn't hear "me" in it.
I am feeling better today. I guess blogging my pain and sobbing for the whole time was enough to qualify as "grieving". I found my strength to go on again. But if the universe could give me a week or two of no residents dying I would appreciate it. Really I would.
Thank you all for acknowledging my pain and hearing me, even when I buried it under a fluffy post.