Saturday, May 31, 2014

Restless (trigger for self injury talk)

I'm a bit dissociated today.

Just a bit?

okay, okay, I'm so freaking far out that I'm technically not even on the planet at this time. I am buried under 1,000 of layers of dissociative buffering shields.

I want to write, but don't want to tap into that part of my head. SHOULD NOT TAP INTO THAT SPACE while I am in flux with everything right now.

Which is leaving me with the unpleasant sensation in my head, like a restless beast pacing back and forth...occasionally stopping to press its head against the bars.

I want to turn this song on and write to it.

To open that cage in my head and let my writing mind out.

.....cause well, I can write some pretty darn impressive stuff when I'm in emotional turmoil.

But some part of really taking care of me as I am going through this shift in my life.

Yesterday I saw the nurse practioner who manages my meds and she agreed with my idea of alternating my thyroid medication to see if we can't find a balance between the side effects of them.

She asked me if I needed refills of my pain med and muscle relaxers. The suicidal part of me opened my mouth to say "Oh yes please!"

But what came out was this calm voice who said. "Please do not fill them right now. I do not want any temptations available to me."

Great there is a saboteur in my head...One apparently hell bent on keeping me safe.

I believe I am so dissociated right now because I am a HUGE FREAKING SELF INJURY RISK.

I have to go to work tomorrow and face them for the first time since turning in my notice. The anxiety and everything else is sooooooooooooooo overwhelming that my mind has checked out. To keep me safe and prevent me from becoming  a bawling mess while at work.

I am serious about making this transition without self injuring.

11 days and then watch out blog readers....I plan to poke that beast in the cage with a stick and enrage it and then open the cage door and see what it writes.

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