Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Shrimp sauce and a day off

gawd I need one.

I think that is why I wrote about the radiation isolation the other day.  Why it was on my mind.

I have an appt for another test today to help rule out what is medically wrong with me.

Worse than that though is I need to call and set up yet another appt for my elbow that was injured last may in the car crash. uuuggh. The cortisone shot is no longer helping and the pain has returned.

I am not able to sleep comfortably do to the swollen lymph tissue in my abdomen.

I just want to slip away unnoticed and unannounced and go away.

Where no one knows where I have gone...not even me.

I need time to get my shit together.

I feel like I an failing on so many fronts.

Oh and the shifting weather is making my back arthritis flair up. Would someone please take that sign off my back? The one that says "She's down! kick her!"

The anxiety about all my medical conditions is causing me to dissociate further and further away. A way to close off and be detached. I don't like it when I find my self doing that. Those who live with me loose out, I loose out.

I have to find me. I feel like I am lost.

Yeah this is partly due to the usual mental decompensation that the fall brings (ie: season affect disorder S.A.D)

So I am normally a neurotic mess this time of year. I usually go into the approaching fall at a gallop and with a sword to fend off the depression as long as I can. This year I feel like I am on a bike with two flat tires and all I am wielding is a broken Popsicle stick.

I need to set up some priorities.

a Do or die list for the coming days. (aka dangling a carrot in front of my face)

as I need a focus to swim to as the murky water rises and tries to drown me.

DORDIE list 10-2-2012

1. get up today (like to start with something I can cross off right away)
2. stay up
3. Go to appt at 1:10
4. grocery shop on way home.
5. plan a real dinner for my family. You are not feeding your family right and you need to work on being a better mother in that area.
6. Pepsi is NOT an approved breakfast food....eat something
7. homework earlier so boy is fresh and there will be less fighting
8. homework for girlie after she gets home
9. don't answer the phone if work calls. Working from home is a blessing, but also a wretched curse.
10. LOOK your family in the eyes and make sure you connect with each and everyone.
11. When kids are in bed play MTG with hubby. (hah! I also like to add something that I don't have to twist my arm to do!)
12. Thursday is payday. Plan on and go eat Chinese food. Chinese food therapy is soooo much cheaper then real therapy.

Funny. That is it right there.

I need Chinese food.

To drown my sorrows in shrimp sauce. To quell the screaming anxiety in me with a pile of warm mar far chicken. Comfort food.

I need to stop running and comfort me. No one else can comfort me at this level, but me. I have my internal deflection grid on line. Others attempts bounce off, for the simple reason that if I am not comforting my selves than I will not allow others to comfort me either.

My mother believes that sympathy is a sick emotion. So she never offered it to me as a child. As a result I am used to walking around wounded and in pain and being ignored. You just learn to shut the hell up and keep moving. You wouldn't believe the amount of therapy it took to correct that small detail from my childhood.

I am in very real physical pain. I am scared about all this medical stuff. I want and need a mama to hold me and comfort the small parts of me who are like bobbers on the fishing line, barely holding their heads above water.

I allow no one to approach me on that level of intimacy. Except Chinese food. The warm food nestled in my belly is the hug that I have always needed since I was a small child.

I must fight the S.A.D or I will slip into a dark place. Where I will be no good to my family or my selves. Its not a shield and sword I need to wield in this fight, its egg foo young and a fortune cookie.

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