Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Buckle up

There are things in life that all of us must endure.  Some secrets and some monsters that we wrestle with deep inside. Things we dare not say aloud, least we jar the lid of Pandora's box open, knowing full well that if we lift that lid it will change shape and distort and never, never close properly again.

Things and thoughts that gnaw at our souls and make us weary. Things that touch us like a branding iron, heating and bubbling our sense of self and leaving us with an unhealing festering sore who's constant irritation hounds us...ultimately causing us to doubt our sanity.

Things that detonate like a landmind in your head causing your skull to tent and fracture, but not enough to explode and spew your brains out. leaving you damaged and in pain, without anyone being able to see the damage.

Pain so great it forces you out of alignment with the planet, leaving you listing and forever feeling like you are falling. You reach to support your self only to find that there is nothing there to grab onto, because you are a ghost in the here and now. There is this heaviness that you can't lift in the air and as you draw in a breath you feeling like you are suffocating.

Pain so great that you can't even look in the mirror and face the tortured face there. The shattered trust still evident by the bloody shards still working there way out from within you. The victim of a crime, you must now live on. No evidence, save for the wailing in your soul that no once can hear.

Memories so dark there is no where to hide them in your mind. You resort to spinning them in a loop in your head. When they surface you can't face there awfulness. You can't. But for a moment you allow them to latch on and rip another hunk of you heart out. Then you push them down again to disappear like a comet in your mind, safe until there orbit bring them round again.

Cryptic cries for help no one hears. No one will ever hear. Just a moment of silence. A glance. A shifting of your eyes as you fight the rage within. Double clutching as you shift from here to there seamlessly. Never slowing down. senselessly running from something you carry within you.

Having the strength day after day to get up and face the world, never allowing them to see your ripped and torn sense of self. Failing, at one task, then another, till you wonder if ... if the pain will gut you from the inside one day.

1 comment:

  1. It's like you were with me, in my head or something when I was with Dr K.
    Trying to catch my breath still, and yet I can't breathe.
    Still here, asking for nothing but being allowed to be, to lurk.