Thursday, May 3, 2012

CPR for depression

You can't will your way out of depression. You can't put on a smiley face and say, I am going to over come this. You just can't.

Oh sure you act like you have the upper hand and the illness isn't eating you up inside You can fool a lot of people this way. But you can't fool me.

*picks up my lantern and heads out into the murky darkness of depression.*

Finds her wallowing in the mud. Snuggled up close to the ground. Dangerously close to going under and being buried.

I set my lantern down in front of her eyes.

"I know you don't have the strength right now to hold on, so I will hold on for you." I grab her woody arm and lift it.

She resists and leans closer to the earth.

I violently jerk her to a sitting position. "DO NOT GET COMFORTABLE HERE!" I scream in her face. "The numbing nothingness of depression should not be comforting to you. You fight that feeling with all you got. Fight."

"How do I do that?" she asks slowly.

"Find yourself. Were did you loose yourself? When did the depression eat away and erode what makes you, you. What dreams did it devour?"

"It ate them all." she sighs and leans back toward the comfort of the madness.


Her hollow eyes stare at me without seeing.

"Look through pictures and find ones of you smiling, force yourself to awaken those brain memories, Your brain recalls those emotions just the same as it remembers the depression. Feed on that like an emotional vampire, let it nourish you."

"It's been to long" she says.

"STOP RESISTING" I squeeze her hand. "You can't think yourself out of depression, you can't cure this mental illness with wishful thinking, but you sure as hell can give it a fight."

"I wanted to be a paramedic" she said softly.

"Good girl." I say and drag her to her feet. "Next get up everyday."

Her shoulders droop, "everyday? that takes so much energy and effort."

"Your fighting for your life, its not going to be easy, Get up everyday and go outside and look up and see the world you are in. Depression sits on your eyes and darkens your vision. Force light into you eyes everyday."

Her lids raise up slightly.

"Don't let your mind be unchallenged. The depression tendrils will flay out like a destructive cancer in your brain. DO SOMETHING EVERYDAY. Read something, write something, sing something, kiss something, remind your brain there are other things in life besides that warm sufficating numbness of depression."

"Reinforcing other emotions." she says and nods her head. "But what about the days when the roar of the madness is so great I want to give in?"

"THEN YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE TO FIGHT FOR YOU." I scream at her. "therapist, friend, wife, husband, sister, brother, pastor. The depression is lying to you when it whispers to you that you are alone. DON'T LISTEN TO IT. You be noisy as all hell so everyone knows you are struggling."

I pick up my lantern and put in in her hand. "Do not get comfortable here. Because when you do the scales tip and this illness can be fatal."

She nods.

"You tell that woman who greets you in the mirror every day this..."Depression I'm not going down without a fight" and then you fight."

"everyday." she whispers.

"Everyday." I nod.

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