Tuesday, May 28, 2013

A healing journey - part 9 1/4 - the stone monument

* as requested. Something about this time of year always makes this resurface. Perhaps its the shedding of the winter clothes to the more revealing summer outfits. And as women, (especially women with scars) this causes the mental chatter to pick up.

Yes I realize we are jumping in to the story at part 9 1/4th ....but it stands alone. This message needs no supporting cast.

I was in Hypnotherapy for 3 years (? maybe 2? I can't recall anymore) to help deal with my PTSD. I worked with two fabulous women who helped me to save my life. I mention one session with them below.


She hesitated only a second as she reached her destination to look skyward
she launched herself into the air
she flew, her uncombed hair streaming after her
into a giggling heap she tumbled as the ground caught her
once again she careful climbed the old tree and perched on a high branch
surveying her kingdom.
The wind beconned and she spread her wings and took flight
she soared in silence only for a second before
she heard sceaming
reluctantly she landed and looked up.
Her mothers face was red and hot and she was hollering 'LITTLE GIRLS CAN'T FLY!! YOU WILL FALL AND BREAK YOUR NECK!!'
Pectoral muscle wither and her shoulders droop, her wings clipped
another of the skypeople grounded to the earth.
oh yes
the intent was to safe guard her daughter from harm
unknowingly her words cut the childs soul
oh the danger of the words hastly spoken
in fear, anger, fustration...
poisonous bullets that lodge themselves in childrens souls,
slowly leeching there insidious toxins
'you are ugly'
'you are fat'
'I wish you were never born'
'I dont need you'
'I dont want you'
'you will never be any good'
'its all your fault'
'go find somewhere else to live, I dont want you anymore'
'it didn't happen'
'it happens to all young girls'
'get over it'
'I hate you'
'you are no good'
' just like him'
shut up indeed
how to still those voices, those sound tracks left in ones souls.
here is how I did it...

A healing journey - part 9 1/4 - the stone monument

January 11, 1990

OMG hypnotherapy was WILD!!
we were working on self hate.
They took me on a magic carpet to a nice place and then I was guided up to a
stone monument where all the words and sayings I have been told/have told my
self were carved deep into the stone. The statue was REALLY tall. so
incredibaly tall, and cold.

I wouldn’t look at it because I knew I was responsible for a lot of it.
I finally sat down and wanted to cry because I didn’t think it was possible
to change it. The words were carved in there so deeply.
_____ had me go inside my body through my navel & go find my inner shaman. At
first inside the circle of trees was no one, just 4 lights and a square pit.
Before I could call her she rose up from the pit. She wore a doeskin dress
and had long dark hair with lighting bolts in it. Her name was not spoken,
it was as if I had always known her...Dogdancing.

I can’t recall what we initially talked about, then we started working on
the words I was told/told my self.
I recall the sting of 'cinder P'
And the _____ asked if any words wanted to change/or would consider changing
came to mind (that is me speaking to my self)
I kept trying to change it to
' I do need you'
but my subconscious changed it to
'I don’t BLAME you'

I turned the words into a shawl & put it on, feeling its warmth and
I turned the words into a stamp and stamped the saying all over me (as _____
put it 'Validating it')
Dogdancing also gave me the seed of self love in the form of an orange seed.
I put it in my arm pit to grow and be nurtured.

That silly 'seed' sat in my armpit for 8+ years before it finally was time
for it to sprout and start growing. I thought it was rotten cause it never
seemed to grow! But boy when the time was right it grew like a wild weed,
consuming me and transforming me.

To fill in and heal those words carved in the stone monument was a long
process. To change how I thought about my self and my body was a long
process. I wanted to change and grow overnight. I wanted to make huge leaps
in my healing. But I didn’t. It was a slow steady progress. Lots of concious
work on my part to stop the negative tapes in my head. To not continue to
tear my self down with negative self talk.

I can recall when I added. ' I like you ' to the mental chatter in my head.
At first it was a laughter producer. In time it joined in and blended in.
Don’t know when it stoped being a saying and it became something I beleived.
Stop repeating the negative crap in your head. Replace it with factual
truths. Pick something...'I fold the laundry nicely' something and replace 
it in your mental soundtrack. To bring peace to your head chatter you have
to start somewhere.

We all need to restore that balance within us. To befriend ourselves, to
stop the abuse of ourselves, to heal ourselves.

heal ourselfs indeed.
The weight of the words of the past are like chains we carry in our soul.
So heavy we can't return to the sky.
But yet we instinctivly know we are all skypeople and ment to fly.
Give someone back there wings.
there dreams...
the belief that yes little girls do indeed fly.
Make that someone ...YOU.


.......I turn off the monitor and set my lantern down and stretch my arms. My purple wings stir.
Outside the wind becons
My daughter hears it and heads to the door, we giggle as we both try to fit through at once
our bare feet only get one step on the porch before we are carried aloft
we are skypeople
we are ment to fly
....we are ALL ment to fly

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