Fallen from the nest

wounded....

not yet bloody, but the swelling urge to inflict injury on my skin is building, in quick increments today.

Heart palpitations today.

Was awoken several times last night by dreams of a heart attack. thought my brain was translating the knife in the back pain from my ortho issues into my dreams. No it is indeed cardiac related today.

The really weird things about my heart palpitation's is,,, there is only a delay of 1 max 2 seconds before my heart beats again.

Yet in that tiny, tiny time frame my anxiety can do a life time of damage.

They haven't been this bad since I made the decision to under go the RAI in 2008. I wore a holter monitor (electrocardiography device) for several days with instructions to try to trigger the palpitations so my PCP could document them and determine the severity and decide if they needed to add cardiac medications to my drug regiment.

That was hellish few days. Wired up like a suicide bomber.

Nursing Miss Hansolo still, so I had to watch she didn't remove any of the ECG leads. 

I was already F_R_E_A_K_E_D_T_H_E_F_U_C_K_O_U_T about having the palpitations without the added stress of deliberately trying to trigger them.

So what triggers them in me without fail 100% of the time?

Stress.

oh, and caffeine.

Both of which I avoided while nursing.

Downed a 6 pack of Pepsi, walked on the tread mill for 15 min then went to my room and read my therapy journal until it triggered flashbacks. Oh we were quite the pair that night. Me wired on caffeine and flashbacks and poor Hansolo wired on caffeinated breast milk.

They got there evidence. You have to record on a log the time you felt the palpitations and what you were doing. I listed "reading."

The cardiologist did ask me what I was reading because it provoked some as he put it "very impressive heart palpitations." I told him a very scary book.

Ultimately it was the fact that I was having heart palpitations WHILE being medicated with the PTU, with my labs being smack dab in the middle of the normal land, that caused me to have to decide to draw the line. The Graves disease was breaking though the medication. I could not justify dying to a thyroid induced cardiac event, my family needed me.

So everything quickly switched from trying to manage the Graves disease to verifying it again with an uptake scan and then stopping the PTU and allowing my thyroid to rev up to full and then attempting to kill it with radiation.

...which lead to where I am today. Back to having heart palpitations. Sigh.

thyroid issues...so much fun, so much fun (sing it with me).