A few of you wanted an update on my head space.
Tonight I want to hurt my selves. So in other words....I'm pretty much normal for me. I am feeling a wee tad off too. The combination of the physical pain I am in with the unpleasant jab to the gut of a 500$ repair to my truck, has me a bit....um, hmmm cranky. Yeah cranky.
So much so that I don't think I should be blogging, or else you will get treated to a bloody manifesto of pain splattered on here like a serial killer ripped through my head with a chainsaw. So in the interest of not fueling the darkness....how about some old positive cheese? I will leave it worded as it originally was and you can all assume that I am talking to my self....cause I sure could use a cheering squad in my corner tonight.
* morning update - not quite so cranky this morning. Feeling sane and rational. I think the chronic pain is pushing me over the edge, I need to get that under control again. Right now the only thing not hurting on/in me is my toenails.
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 2004
LETS GET BACK TO HEALING GUYS. *PULLS UP EVERYONE BY THERE BOOT STRAPS* (triggery?)
Looks like a train wreck in here.
we have been hit hard lately. This is not a good time of the year for us to be lapsing into silence/hibernating etc.
Everyone get up and get dressed and lets get focused and moving again. We are all laying in our own pools of winter depression and self inflicted madness and violence.
Lets get healing again.
Lets have a look at the beast shall we?
Object of dissection: "SIV" aka self inflicted violence.
What do we know about it?
What do we WANT to know about it?
lets get asking questions...HARD questions. We need what works and what doesn't work. We need to KNOW what we are fighting here so we can heal from it and release it so we can be free and have peace within our systems.
Let us look at the injury we produce.
Do you know why we get addicted to the actual injury (over and above the act of inflicting it?)
We tend to live in this life NUMBED to the gills 98% of the day. We have grown accustom to not feeling emotions/physical sensations. We internalize everything. We experience emotions fleetingly and they are foreign to us. a wound is a way for us to actually FEEL something. It breaks through the numbness and dissociation. If we are skin starved and not getting the proper nurturing touch a wound gives us a source of physical sensation.
How many of us pick, rub, press objects into our wounds, or otherwise mess with them?
Feeling pain in absence of good nurturing touch is better than no contact at all. Our brain is starved for feelings. The pain receptors are like hungry little puppies woofing down there food. The brain eats up the pain and is producing chemicals. WE GET ADDICTED TO THIS. THIS IS WHERE THE CRAVINGS COME IN. THIS IS WHAT IS SO HARD TO STOP.
It doesn't take long for you to start rationalizing that a wound would "feel" nice, or that it "feels good" to have that sweet pain.
This is a lie of your mind. This is your mind trying to make sense of the madness. Abused children who grow up thinking what happens to them is normal and that it happens to all kids. The brain can't escape the horror so it rationalizes and tries to make it make sense.
SIV DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
but, darn it IT WORKS. IT WORKS REALLY REALLY GOOD!
which is why it is so addicting and easy to "fall in love" with.
It is painful to experience emotions. To put yourself out there to be vulnerable and exposed. We all have been wounded by careless people who trampled our hearts.
So why not start with something simpler than living in the moment and being constantly "feeling" feelings.
Start by getting reconnected to your skin. Get back into your body. Go find a new fuzzy nightie to touch your skin in a nice gentle way.
hold some ones hand and be aware of what another hand feels like, what does it feel like on your skin?
get a massage.
soak in a oil scented bath. feel your skin.
Touch yourself in a kind gently way. (rub your hand down our arm gently).
Stand before the mirror and cup your face and feel YOU. Look into your eyes and just see you.
You may feel alone and lonely and like the last person on the planet, but darn it. you always have you. That person in the mirror is the one who will always be there for you. That is the one who will be the best healer you will ever meet. S/he is one person you want on your side as you advance in the healing process. Making peace with you is a high priority in healing from SIV.
It might take a while, especially if you have been at war with yourself for a long time. But you will do it. You have to save you. No one else can do it for you.