bleah, bleah, bleah....etc ad nauseum

I am totally insane.

We established that already right?

Good,  then this won't sound odd coming from me.

I feel like I am dying 90% of the time. (no worries, I have been dying since I was 7 years old)

Periodically the feeling gets so bad I go to the doctors....and for around 80 dollars they tell me I am fine. I can get a 1/2 year of peace in my head off those visits.

Do you have any idea how depressing that is? To have real physical symptoms and have all the labs come back 100% normal? I ignore it all now. Partly because I have no insurance and partly because I REALLY HATE TO HEAR THE DOC TELL ME I AM  IN GOOD SHAPE FOR FEELING SO SHEETY.

I have Graves disease. Its and very real thyroid condition that forced me to swallow 10.7 mci of radiation in June of 2008.

While this treatment killed off my thyroid and stopped the cardiac side effects it added another element into the dying issue. Now I worry about what the radiation exposure will do to the rest of me. If it can KILL my thyroid, what other fun side effects are there?

(One that was NEVER mentioned and all my prior googling failed to dig up was the loss of taste. About a week after the nuking my tongue felt funny and that was the end of my taste buds, they have never come back.)

Any way. I am not crying wolf. I do not like going to the doctors, I do not like medical bills.

I always feel like I have some terminal health issue, and it gets hard to cope with mentally.

One of the reasons people self injure is to transfer emotional pain to the surface where they can see it and they can bandage it and heal it.

That reasoning is very powerful.

Which is why tonight I want to burn the bleeping hell out of my arm.

I have had left groin pain going on 4 years now. (Yes I saw the nurse, who assured me she had no idea what it was, its was probably nothing to worry about) I never went back, what would be the point? It is slowly getting worse and sitting for long periods of time is painful.

A few weeks back I developed a severe pain when I bring my right leg inwards or try to cross my legs.  This I know is not in my head. (oh that is sooo sad. :( that I automatically have to defend my brain as the cause of any physical pain/discomfort I feel. Damn you doctors for doing that too me.)

oh wait some of you don't know my pelvis is as messed up as my mind. I had a horse rear up and flip over on me and it took 15,000 dollars worth of surgery to bolt me back together. So Mr Pelvis is already previously mangled.

I have no health insurance. No desire to go to the doctors. No desire to be told 'your fine" when I feel this bad. I have another issue that needs looked at too, another old old injury to my sternum that got aggravated in the car accident recently.

So instead of going to the doctor and paying them to tell me I am fine, I play Dr. House and come up with a 1/2 dozen or so terminal diagnoses. Scare myself silly and then tell my selves "Oh your fine."

I want that to be on my death certificate as cause of death.

Cause of Death: Don't know, she looked fine to me.

I have to go see the nurse in August for my yearly thyroid check up. I wonder if I should speak up or just write me off as lost cause. I have another fear too. That in all this not so good health care provided to me, that something really bad will get over looked and shorten down my life. I can't be dying right now, my children are still young and need me.

But as I said I feel like I am dying 90% of the time. Urg.

Sigh.

This is why we don't  have TV at my house. My brain provides enough entertainment for free.