Undiagnosised - Capturing a lie on film

I have been looking through my photo albums a lot lately. There are a lot of empty spaces in them as I have given most of the farm kids the copies I have of their pictures.

This one I still have.

It's puzzled me as to why I didn't pass it on.

That is KSS before she was diagnosed. She is inside my shirt with me and we are crawling about the house.

I love the smile on her face. She could scoot by herself, but not for long or far. There was too much upper body hypotonia (ie weakness) to allow her to crawl properly. She just knew she was supposed to be mobile and it fustrated the heck out of her.

She wanted to move faster then she could so I provided the stable frame work and we would make tracks about the house.

hmmmmm. Oh wow..

After some soul searching and thinking about it. I figured out why I have kept this particular picture.

(tears)

wow.

What you see there isn't the truth. Matter of a fact its a total lie.

That is an almost immobile child moving freely about the house with a giant smile on her face. That smiling woman with her is suicidal and planning her death. The last sun rise she plans to see is on her 23rd birthday.


KSS has the looming diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy heading her way, and I have a slew of psych diagnosis heading my way. We both were undiagnosised at the time that picture was snapped. But the picture doesn't show that. We look....okay.

We both were struggling to function in a world that was normal...while we were not.

At the time that picture was taken these were my goals in life.

1. To have dark circles under my eyes.
2. Have grey hair.
3. Be dead by the time I am 23.

All I had left to cross off that list was #3. And those plans were made and set in stone.

Life was unbearable hard and difficult. The only reason I had not killed my self at that point in time was because of that little person inside my shirt.

I am alive today because that ball of sunshine came into my life.

This was taken when she was 17. I am 5' 6" She is even taller now.

My....how the tables have turned. She could stuff me in her shirt now and haul me around. Wouldn't that be a hoot to reshoot that photo in reverse!

Those dark days have faded in intensity over the years. I don't have to struggle so hard to stay alive as I did back then. The love and light of all of my farm kids sure made up for a lot of pain and torment from my peers as a child.

I learned to love them before I could ever learn to love my self. Being there for them made me work hard at getting the self injury under control.

To be needed by them was a gift. My life on the farm was a retreat and a healing journey all in its own.

maybe I should share that one moment on the farm that profoundly altered my existence. Yes I think I will in my next post.

I am heading off to bed to fall asleep day dreaming  about how KSS and I used to ride the horse. Her arms flapping in the wind, as she shouted "SAJA RIDE!!" as we cantered about the field, both of us escaping our predicaments for a moment.