whoa, feeling like writing tonight. Not the usual stuff, but opening that conduit to that place inside that I have zero control over. I have 3 hours in sleep in me. Buckle up kids, I have no idea where we are going...
I was born with wind in my hair and the sun on my face. Jump roping intrauterine left me with my umbilical cord fashionable looped twice around my neck.
I hit the ground running, prancing like a horse and neighing for bowls of oatmeal and sugar as a tot.
Pictures of me swinging naked on the bars at three year old.
My family two generations removed from the circus, yet I still had sawdust in my shoes.
Trees were to be climbed.
Roofs to be jumped off
The spring winds to be rode
My shoes lasting forever, cause as fast as I flew they didn't spend much time on the ground.
my eight siblings formidable foes and teammates
basket ball was more fun as a full contact sport
My legs strong and free
they carried me everywhere
they were my only source of escape
Rollerskating opened a graceful new door a new outlet in my teens
me and the music one rhythm
the spins the graceful lines the silence in my soul
the excitement to stroke hard, line up and vault aloft
from this world
to twist in the air and try to enter a different reality
almost reaching it
only to have gravity snatch me back.
The horses too loaned me their legs and I rode
as if my ancestors where centaurs.
but then one day
one devastating OJI
one trip to the ER
one orthopedic surgeon
one devastating word.
How dare the universe put me on trial and level this sentence on me!!
How dare it take from me my one means of running?
gone is the skating, the games, the freedom from pain.
refuse to accept
I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I WILL PERSEVERE THROUGH THE PAIN AND BE AN ATHLETE!!
and I did.
and one year later the bay mare reared up and flipped over pinning me to the ground
and the universe whispered to me on the way to the OR
"did you not hear me little one...I sentenced you already, Let me repeat myself and make it clear. DISABLED."
The world looked different at this pace I found myself moving at.
This walking pace.
How strange the trees looked from this angle
how being disabled in my 20's and handed a
"be in pain forever" card
really changed how I look at my life.
Being forced against my will to grow and change and evolve.
Seeing my children take flight on the wind and forgetting for the moment
and running after them one ...two...three steps before
the pain chains grind and halt my flight
How my soul withers
how my wings droop.
and how I feel so lost
and a stranger in this body.
How it drifts day to day
till angrily I meet her gaze in the mirror
and scream at her
I WILL CUT MYSELF FREE OF YOU!!
setting sail on the sea of depression, drifting aimlessly on the undulating waves
I don't look for land,
but it finds me.
I stumble from the boat
born anew on a journey of discovery
a new life
a new path
and I start over again and found ways to still be me within the pain and broken body.