disabled

whoa, feeling like writing tonight. Not the usual stuff, but opening that conduit to that place inside that I have zero control over.  I have 3 hours in sleep in me.  Buckle up kids, I have no idea where we are going...



I was born with wind in my hair and the sun on my face. Jump roping intrauterine left me with my umbilical cord fashionable looped twice around my neck.

I hit the ground running, prancing like a horse and neighing for bowls of oatmeal and sugar as a tot.

Pictures of me swinging naked on the bars at three year old.

My family two generations removed from the circus, yet I still had sawdust in my shoes.

Trees were to be climbed.

Roofs to be jumped off

The spring winds to be rode

My shoes lasting forever, cause as fast as I flew they didn't spend much time on the ground.

my eight siblings formidable foes and teammates

basket ball was more fun as a full contact sport

My legs strong and free

they carried me everywhere

they were my only source of escape

Rollerskating opened a graceful new door a new outlet in my teens

me and the music one rhythm

the spins the graceful lines the silence in my soul

the excitement to stroke hard, line up and vault aloft

free

from this world

to twist in the air and try to enter a different reality

almost reaching it

only to have gravity snatch me back.

The horses too loaned me their legs and I rode

and rode

as if my ancestors where centaurs.

but then one day

one man

one moment

one heartbeat

one devastating OJI

one trip to the ER

one MRI

one orthopedic surgeon

one devastating word.

disabled.

How dare the universe put me on trial and level this sentence on me!!

How dare it take from me my one means of running?

gone is the skating, the games, the freedom from pain.

I rebel

refuse to accept

I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I WILL PERSEVERE THROUGH THE PAIN AND BE AN ATHLETE!!

I WILL!!!

and I did.

and one year later the bay mare reared up and flipped over pinning me to the ground

and the universe whispered to me on the way to the OR

"did you not hear me little one...I sentenced you already, Let me repeat myself and make it clear. DISABLED."

The world looked different at this pace I found myself moving at.

This walking pace.

How strange the trees looked from this angle

how being disabled in my  20's and handed a

"be in pain forever" card

really changed how I look at my life.

Being forced against my will to grow and change and evolve.

Seeing my children take flight on the wind and forgetting for the moment

and running after them one ...two...three steps before

the pain chains grind and halt my flight

How my  soul withers

how my wings droop.

and how I feel so lost

and a stranger in this body.

How it drifts day to day

till angrily I meet her gaze in the mirror

and scream at her

I WILL CUT MYSELF FREE OF YOU!!

setting sail on the sea of depression, drifting aimlessly on the undulating waves

I don't look for land,

but it finds me.

I stumble from the boat

born anew on a journey of discovery

a new life

a new path

and I start over again and found ways to still be me within the pain and broken body.