Episode six: Moving games / the Vomit dog /Thend

(this is part of an unsent email that I never finished or sent out)

Moving games. I am playing them right now with myself.  The rules are quite simple:

1. if you have to unpack something you loose.
2. If you have to buy somethingn to re-place something that runs out, you loose.

The idea is to use up stuff (food, paper towels etc) PRIOR to the move so they don't have to be moved.

What? dont look at me like you just discovered that I am mentally not well. I have been telling you all that for years!

When the news came that we do not have a fridge in the new place the games stepped up. The challenge was put forth to me to empty the fridge/freezer prior to our departure.

Soy-sause soup anyone?

Get the  picture?

Just how creative can one be with food?

I have a long history of fun food games which my mama introduced me to as a child. She would make "Circle Dinners"

Everything on the plate had to be a circle or you lost the game.  (round glass of milk, cut up hotdogs into circle slices in spagetteos, sliced cucumber and a cookie on a circuilar plate for an additional 10 points!)


---------------------------------------------

I sound like I am coping well with all this don't I?

Want to know how I was really coping?

******************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************
GRAFFIC TRIGGER - GRAFFIC TRIGGER - GRAFFIC TRIGGER
******************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************


when I was a young girl we had to take a litter of puppies to the pound I wandered away while they did paperwork and looked at the dogs.

there was one dog just quaking in fear. You could see it eating her sanity away as she cringed at the back of the compound cage. She would violently tremble and then vomit, Sit back down and look around and then catch a glimps of the vomit and a pained looked would come over her face and she would then eat it. Sit back down and look around and then a look of OMG what did I just do!? Then she would violently vomit it back up and the cycle would continue.

I was very young under 10 and that image is one of many things that shaped me as a human and as a writer.

I got revisted yesterday by that image, I saw it in my own reflection. This looming dead line of having to move is stressing me to the point where my soul wants to be the vomit dog.

Dissociating is not working, that coping skill has failed. There is nothing left within to split out. Nothing withIN me strong enough to handle this level of stress. Even SIV seems to be a worthless option.

all of this is soooooooooo unsettling. To prep for the move we are eating the food we have here and not adding more. I have freaking bad food issues from my childhood. I get panicky and stressed if there isn't a full cupboard of food.

two more days till the rental we are applying for is empty, then 3-5 days before they will show it and process the application (another 3-4 days)

I can't do this. My hubby is working over time wrangling me and keeping me safe. I am waaaaaaay past my own ability to cope with this stress. Even comfort food is revolting...i just want to cower in the corner and vomit all this stress and uncertaintly and fear and panic out, stare at it and eat it again.

I am not intergrated, but frightfully alone in my head. Wondering if the anxiety/adrenaline/fear/stress combination has killed off my parts.

I am scared. I am alone, I am adrift in a very frightening place with no land in site. I come back here even though I have left here...becasue the familiarity and safety here might help anchor me.

("here" being an old self injury support board)

what do the gods of rentals want from me?! they have my tears day after day, they have my sanity, all thats left is to offer up a blood sacrafice.

Vomit Dog

******************************************************

August 13, 2012

Thank goodness the whole experience only lasted 60 days. I had completely lost it. I was in serious danger of harming myself  take-me-to-the-ER-NOW bad. Had it gone on even ONE day longer, ONE second longer I would have been a mess of  broken bones and burns.

I emerged from that injury free. Despite my world becoming a FUCKING LIVING NIGHTMARE (my apologies to my husband but there is no other way to describe it then to use that word). I transversed it without injuring.  Life was presenting me with 1,000 excuses everyday to do so, and with my husbands support, the prayers of others and some unknown reinforced siding within, I came through unharmed.

well....unless you count the gigantic bruise on my foot from dropping the shelving unit on it my foot while assembling it.

This was the last email I sent out about the move.

I would have loved to do one about the box moving adventures but I was in a psychotic frenzy of assembling the house and cleaning the old one.

I never want to move again. But we will have to again, someday. I sure hope I have leaned enough to do it better, smoother, less stressful.

1. I will call in all my favors and INSIST that someone watch my kids so I can focus and concentrate on the detailed work/and not have to haul them to a dozen property management appts all day long.
2. I WILL NOT MOVE EVER AGAIN DURING MY BUSY WORK WEEK. NEVER NEVER NEVER.....and to boot I was covering for a co-worker during that time too. Next time I will tell work, nope, not doing it.
3. I will take time off from work to do the move so we can move all the computers at once and I don't have to stop and work remotely DURING the big move day!!! COMMON!
4. I will not hint to friends to come help move us. I will be more like this: HELP OR FEEL MY WRATH!!! (those who did help I am forever grateful for their time and hard work P,R,S,F,P thank you all soooo much)
5. I will let my big sister bring her big moving van.....maybe....cause that was delicious fun doing it the way we did do it. Bwahahahah!
6. I will eat Chinese food when ever I want during the adventure.
7. I will seek out hubby's arms for support even more. He was incredible in his support of me.
8. I will pack and bring the ants with us next time....They were nicer roommates then the spiders we have now.